What’s up, man? It’s been a while since we hung out. Thanks for me inviting me to the Kodak Theatre. It was just surreal to be in the same venue in which they hand out the gold man statues. The theatre actually looks a lot smaller in person than it does on TV. Too bad we couldn’t hang out at the event, but I know you were busy with all your other “new” friends.
Ever since you started courting and dating your new “girl,” it’s been harder to hang out with you and even hear what’s going on in your life. In fact, shoot . . . on Tuesday, I think your new friend Cammy talked a lot more to me than you did.
You know what, actually? I just want to get this off of my chest. Do you think you can make mention of two of our old friends (M and Z) and think I’ll be distracted while you go and talk to your new girl? How many times have I seen you since last year and you want to spend all this time focusing on her? Whatever happened to bros before hos, dude? Do you realize you can pour out all of your affection on her and hope she feels the same, but in the end, she will drop you like a fly. Don’t you know that about her?
The other guys were hoping to hear about our boy Icarus, but that’s just wishful thinking. I wasn’t expecting that. I was just expecting that you’d come and hang out with us like we used to. When we do talk, we pretty much talk about the same things. Nothing new. Think about the good old days. How many hours did we hang out and just pass the time? You were the reason that I stopped playing outside when we were kids, dude. You would think we were albino kids considering how pale our skin got from all those hours indoors in front of the TV screen.
You keep pulling a fast one on me, though and I keep falling for it. You said you wanted to brawl. I brawled, but that got old real quick. You told me you wanted to race, but I told you I didn’t want to go to Boomers anymore. Dude, we’re 21 now. We can at least go to a real track. Or, at least K1. You’re so busy trying to make “her” happy, that everything you do for me feels like left-overs.
I’m going to stop writing now, but I just wanted to say one last thing, I’ve been your friend for a long time now. We went to elementary school together. Junior high. Senior high. College. Even when I got married and I had kids, you were there. I should have stopped being your friend a long time ago, but I kept hanging in there, because that’s what friends do. I don’t know, though, man. We’ll see.
Don’t send me a Christmas card if you’ve got nothing to say to me in between now and then, bro. I can’t believe how many people are getting in line to see you every Christmas.